These days, as a life coach, I meet more people who were used to the good life, then something happened, and now they are wondering where it all has gone. It happens, they found out, not just to other people.

If something (bad) happened in your life, it might be not a big deal. You feel no worse than lost in an unfamiliar place. Or what happened was a major event and you've been stuck in it for a while, sinking deeper, banging your head, bleeding, the walls far from crumbling. There must be another way, you hope, knowing full well that hope alone by itself is overrated.

You've never been work-shy. Hard work is in your nature, but you realize your nature is part and parcel of what got you into this bad place in the first place. Massive action is needed, but by itself it won't be enough.

You don't want to pick a remedy worse than the ill it is supposed to cure. You don't want to cure loneliness with a drink, only to find yourself lonely and drunk. You know the danger signs, you've seen them and ignored them enough in the past. But the way out you don't know.

If this sounds familiar, the good news: there is nothing wrong with you. If your radio plays the wrong tune, you simply adjust the tuning. Likewise, if your life produces wrong outcomes, do not question yourself, simply adjust the tuning. The bad news: it's not that simple, and will take time.

To "adjust the tuning" and find back to the good life, you must basically tune yourself... back to yourself. Sometimes it begins by re-membering who you are. Once you re-member yourself, you realize you're not alone. How so? For the sake of brevity (additional information in future articles), let's single out just the aspect of knowledge.

First off, all knowledge comes from learning - are you still learning? Have you made yourself a lifelong student? If not, it would be your step number one. Is there an alternative? If you think there is no need to learn further, or studying is too hard, or too late, or too expensive, your only alternative is ignorance.

Second, locate, access and use all knowledge, not just yours. There are at least three "libraries" of knowledge available to each of us:

• Personal Stuff: Personal stuff covers everything you learned in life, the hard way or otherwise, as part of a conscious learning effort. It's all in there, but might take effort to retrieve. The best way to retrieve is to think in writing, i.e. write it down.

• Instinct: We share it with other life forms. At the technical level, instinctive knowledge is embedded in the DNA. The more science knows about it, the more impressive it becomes. Plants and animals, sometimes in a cosmic dance together, do stuff that boggles the mind. We humans generally underrate and under-utilize instinctive knowledge. It's a mistake. Get back in touch with your instinct.

• Universal Wisdom: The universe shares its wisdom with us, quite freely. All we need to do, is tune in. If you're like me, when you were an infant you thought the music was in the radio - I used to imagine little people performing orchestral music right inside the radio set - but later you see the musicians actually live and breathe elsewhere. The same is true for thoughts. At the beginning you think they are in your mind, but later you see they are actually "out there" and our brains merely transmit them. Universal wisdom is yours for the asking, oops, for the tuning.

To summarize, be a lifelong student and in the process learn to locate, access and utilize all the knowledge, not just yours. Before long you will find yourself back on the path to the good life. Bon voyage!

QUOTES

• "Ideas are changed not by will, but by other ideas." - Maxwell Maltz
• "I use not only the brains I have, but all I can borrow." - Woodrow Wilson
• "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." - Benjamin Disraeli
• "Change your thoughts and you change your world." - Norman Vincent Peale

Responsibility, responsibility - life's full of it, enough already, give me a break! Read about it, too?! Why should I? It is important? You better believe it! Your ability to respond - responsibility - plays a  key role in shaping your life and your destiny. It is so important that all by itself it can make the difference between success and failure.

What IS Response-Ability, Anyway?

Your personal ability, or lack thereof, to respond to life - to broken relationships, broken teeth, canceled flights, winning the lottery, landing your dream job, finding the love of your life, ice cream and bad dreams - determines how you perceive life and therefore, how you handle the challenges and opportunities that come with it. Let's say your ability to respond is one foot tall and the challenge or opportunity in front of you is six feet tall, you would back off, versus the other way around you would take it in stride. Whether the size of the ability and of the obstacle is real or not is immaterial - your perception alone counts. You get the drift.

For many years, the ability to respond was even believed to be the key factor between success and failure. In the meantime we know conclusively it is not your response-ability, but your self-image. But the two are closely linked and enhancing one automatically enhances the other, and vice versa, so it makes sense to look at the two together. Increasing your self-image and your response-ability is easy to do, and can be done throughout life, regardless of age. Here's how.

5 Easy Steps To Grow Your Ability To Respond

Step # 1: Some attitudes and emotions will diminish your ability to respond. They are: helplessness, self-doubt, shame, guilt, apathy, regret, fear and anger. (It doesn't mean these are "bad" emotions, only that if entertained for prolonged or excessive periods of time, or even constantly, they weaken your ability to respond).  Move away from these emotions.

Step # 2: Another set of attitudes and emotions will strengthen your ability to respond to life. They are: courage, resolve, acceptance, intelligence, love, joy and peace. Move towards these emotions. Invite them in, entertain them as you would friends.

Step # 3: Stop blaming others. Be responsible. And don't blame yourself, either. Simply do not see setbacks in life as reflecting poorly on yourself or others. Rather, see the setbacks and successes for what they are - events limited in size and duration - "these too shall pass."

Step # 4: Do not hope for smaller problems, rather work towards growing bigger than your challenges. Step 5 happens naturally, as a by-product of steps 1 to 4, however you can accelerate the process. Remember past successes, regardless of how insignificant they may appear to you know. Remember their significance at the time.

Step # 5: Cease seeing life as alternatively fair and unfair. It is not what life is all about, and doing it anyway is, well, pointless. People in judgment of life are typically concerned about life's unfairness only when they are at the short end of the stick, and more often than not, the perceived unfairness only serves them as an excuse for acting irresponsibly - for blaming others for the “bad” things in their life. To their children they explain that life is not fair and everyone ends up believing it, making  it a self-fulfilling prophesy. But irresponsibility – the unwillingness to exercise one’s ability to respond – eats a hole in the soul of the person who adopts it and over time it spirals out of control. Response-ability is not about how we would respond if we were someone else or if we had someone else's life or if things were different. Responsibility is about how we respond to the hand we have been dealt.

Relevant Quotes

• Learn to wish that everything should come to pass exactly as it does. - Epictetus
• Don't wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don't wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don't wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom. - Jim Rohn
  
• In dreams begin responsibilities. - W.B. Yeats
• History can be written in a simple little formula: Challenge, Response. - Arnold Toynbee
• The price of greatness is responsibility. - Sir Winston Churchill
• It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously. - Sir Peter Ustinov
• An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. - Don Marquis

In life coaching, the decision making required for a breakthrough to a life of happiness is often asked about. I used to ask the question myself, after I discovered that unhappiness was destroying my life.

A thing I learned about a happy state of mind, some of your friends may question your motives, similar to as if you were leaving town. Why are you moving? A million solid reasons in favor of staying, versus a single flaky reason in favor of leaving. Crazy, walking around with a silly smile on his face, versus having achieved harmony and a sense of well-being. It is not about you, but varies according to the observer's perspective.

Unhappiness had happened naturally, but happiness I had to learn. I had to free myself so I could grant myself the right to be happy. I found we are lousy at understanding happiness, lousy at predicting what will bring us happiness, and unaware of what would have to happen for us to be happy. We are amazed to learn that unhappiness and happiness take about the same amount of work. Summarizing what I learned so far about happiness, here is my shortlist.

Be Grateful

Of being grateful, make your foundation. The habit of being grateful, just by itself, easily has the power to change your life forever. It's easy to do, too. Express appreciation for the things you have so far taken for granted or even had felt entitled to. If you want to be rich, consider you can be rich in love, relationships, adventure, travel, courage, integrity, passion, beauty, happiness, growth and contribution - pretty much anything you choose to be rich in - as well as in money. The point is, the secret to all riches, is gratitude.

Keep Your Word

People who keep their word are much happier than those who don't. While keeping your word applies to all areas of life, it is particularly significant in relationships. Married people are happier than those who just live together. When we are well connected to others we feel most happy. As a rule, the more challenging or expensive it is to break your word, the greater its value in happiness terms. Of course, it's a two-edged sword, since keeping your word presupposes you've done your homework.

Little Things

To increase happiness, decrease your focus on the big, big things that will bring you happiness, and instead find a steady supply of smaller reasons. In bygone times, had you asked me for the greatest sources of my happiness, I might have said my work, my marriage, and my finances. Now I would put creating my future very high on the list. Do I get euphoria from creating my future? No, but it's an ongoing process and a pleasure I become conscious of twice daily like clockwork, every day. When pleasure happens often, over time it changes your life.

Be Steadfast

Some people look at their faith and beliefs like borrowed umbrellas to be returned to their rightful owners at the first sign of rain. To keep going tough when the going gets tough - as it will - equip yourself with faith and beliefs that truly are yours, and you know will be tested. If you're experiencing hardship right now, my advice would be to just hang in there. Let time do what time does well - to provide you with hindsight and a different perspective. Three, six or twelve months down the road you might be surprised of how much better you are.

Here's a little story I'd like to share. Someone is climbing a mountain. He trips and falls over the side. As he’s falling he’s lucky and he grabs a branch on his way down, holding on for dear life. He looks down – 1500 feet below him is rock bed valley. He looks up – he is about 20 feet from where he fell. He starts to yell for help, “Help! Help! Is there anybody up there? Help!” A big booming voice comes down and says, “Yes, I am here and I will help you if you believe in me.” “I believe! I believe!” “If you believe in me let go of the branch and I will save you.” And the man looks down at the rock bed valley and looks back up and says, “Is there anybody else up there?”

When Would Now Be A Good Time?

If you're not quite ready to be happy today, but have no objection to the idea of maybe being happy tomorrow, I've got news for you. By the time you'll get to tomorrow, it'll be today again. Get over it, be happy today. You get exactly what you are feeling. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances.

Stop Complaining

Not just aloud, but in your self-talk, too. If stopping it altogether is too difficult, begin by reducing it. Happiness research has shown that  less complaining translates into more happiness.

Be Part Of A Community

Be sure to make your friends before you need them. Realize you are not really choosing your friends. You choose your environment and your friends will come from within that environment. Choose your environment wisely.  A wisely chosen environment would be one that promotes and encourages community, holding hands, singing, knowing-someone-would-bring-you-soup-if-you-got-sick and other earthly values.

Give

Giving is its own reward. As long as you don't give with the expectation of being given in return. Giving, like loving, is best when it's unconditional. Give a smile. Hold the door for someone (even if not acknowledged, do it anyway). Give a compliment. Give a flower. Give of your money. Give of your time. The possibilities are endless.

Related Quotes

• “When you keep saying you are busy, you’re not free. When you keep saying you don’t have the time, you’ll never have time. When you keep saying that you must do things, your life becomes a must. When you keep saying that you will be happy tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. ” – Pravsworld
• “In about the same degree as you are helpful, you will be happy.” - Karl Reiland

What has emerged about Tiger Woods in recent weeks suggests compulsive behavior on the border of addiction, brought to a halt by a crash heard around the world, and now followed by recovery, personal growth and self development. In short, what Tiger did was terrible ... but media’s coverage of it is even worse. Like most people I’m curious to know, but I don’t enjoy the rancor of main stream media. Probably because I also don’t enjoy bullfights. I went to see a bullfight with my father on our first trip to Spain, way back when, thinking it was the thing to do. But instead of a fight we saw the torture and killing of an animal specifically raised for the occasion. We left mid-way through, pale-faced, stomach churning, crowds cheering.

Let’s See If It Hurts

One thing I don’t enjoy about the news coverage, is that right after an accident is not the time to tear people apart. Except in the  animal world, of course, where an accident basically turns you into dinner for other animals. But we’re talking human race here. If humans come across people with broken limbs, or broken hearts, or broken spirits  – do they stab them with steely knives, or help them back onto their feet? How many of us are on our feet, I guess answers the question.

Your Behaviors Are Not You

Tiger did what he did, but the Tiger Woods story is by now much bigger than Tiger himself, of course. Damage is also inflicted on the reading public that takes what the media dishes out at face value. I’m thinking particularly of the damage done by media’s portrayal of people as being their behaviors. To propagate the myth that people are their behaviors is a white lie, at best. People are not their behaviors. Your behaviors are not you. Behaviors are just that - behaviors.

“Being” – who you are – is creation’s gift to you. “Behavior” – what you do – is what you do with the gift. The gift you don’t control, but the choices and decisions about it are yours entirely (except special circumstances). To change who you are might not be possible (it shouldn’t even be attempted, quite to the contrary!), but to change your behavior can be done in a heartbeat (or in the instant of a crash). Even in cases where lasting change takes time and effort, behavioral change is definitively possible. Any child can do it. Kids change naturally as they grow up. Actors change behavior at will. You can do it, too. Remain strong in the knowledge if you change your behavior you change your life – no matter what the media says.

If you're skeptical or would like to know more, there exist systems to facilitate change, as well as specific techniques to achieve desired emotional states, such as happiness, or unhappiness if it's what you desire. Happiness is a habit. Unfortunately, so is unhappiness.

Good Choices Often Come From Bad Ones

Whether Tiger is a good or a bad person is immaterial – either way he made the very poor choices that led to what’s now likely the greatest test of his life. Unlike the media, I don’t think the test is about ex-lovers, business partners, money, golf or action. At this level of out of control, you’re being tested for survival. When you’re acting out like Tiger did, you’re dealing with delusional trance and insanity. It’s like being anesthetized during an operation - you feel the pain only after you wake up. The same thing happens when waking up from a delusional trance. For having been there done that, I don’t wish the experience on anyone, not even my enemies.

Before It's Too Late

In addition to providing fodder for the tabloid press, may “the crash heard around the world” be an example for the millions of little tigers out there still hunting for bigger and better sex, again and again, blinded by the delusion it exists. Like Tiger before them, these are people who convince themselves doing wrong is alright as long as you don’t get caught, and the best way to deal with the fact that a fool is someone who knows the difference between right and wrong, and chooses to do wrong anyway, is by pretending you don’t know. All of them may not crash their cars at 2.30 am, but all of them will crash their life and reputation at some juncture … unless they change their behavior and their life before it’s too late. I hope Tiger’s crash and my coverage of it might help to do just that.

Prevention is better than cure. Tiger had a coach to excel at golf. Wanna bet he's now adding a coach (or two) to excel at life, too? Don't make the same mistake. Hire your life coach now, before you wished you had or regret you didn't.

Relevant Quotes

• “What win I if I gain the thing I seek? A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy? Who buys a minute’s myrth to wail a week, or seeks eternity to get a toy? For one sweet grape who will divine destroy?” – Shakespeare
• “Why go out for burger when you can have steak at home?” – Paul Newman
• “All communication is either a loving response or a cry for help.” – A Course In Miracles