In life coaching, the decision making required for a breakthrough to a life of happiness is often asked about. I used to ask the question myself, after I discovered that unhappiness was destroying my life.

A thing I learned about a happy state of mind, some of your friends may question your motives, similar to as if you were leaving town. Why are you moving? A million solid reasons in favor of staying, versus a single flaky reason in favor of leaving. Crazy, walking around with a silly smile on his face, versus having achieved harmony and a sense of well-being. It is not about you, but varies according to the observer's perspective.

Unhappiness had happened naturally, but happiness I had to learn. I had to free myself so I could grant myself the right to be happy. I found we are lousy at understanding happiness, lousy at predicting what will bring us happiness, and unaware of what would have to happen for us to be happy. We are amazed to learn that unhappiness and happiness take about the same amount of work. Summarizing what I learned so far about happiness, here is my shortlist.

Be Grateful

Of being grateful, make your foundation. The habit of being grateful, just by itself, easily has the power to change your life forever. It's easy to do, too. Express appreciation for the things you have so far taken for granted or even had felt entitled to. If you want to be rich, consider you can be rich in love, relationships, adventure, travel, courage, integrity, passion, beauty, happiness, growth and contribution - pretty much anything you choose to be rich in - as well as in money. The point is, the secret to all riches, is gratitude.

Keep Your Word

People who keep their word are much happier than those who don't. While keeping your word applies to all areas of life, it is particularly significant in relationships. Married people are happier than those who just live together. When we are well connected to others we feel most happy. As a rule, the more challenging or expensive it is to break your word, the greater its value in happiness terms. Of course, it's a two-edged sword, since keeping your word presupposes you've done your homework.

Little Things

To increase happiness, decrease your focus on the big, big things that will bring you happiness, and instead find a steady supply of smaller reasons. In bygone times, had you asked me for the greatest sources of my happiness, I might have said my work, my marriage, and my finances. Now I would put creating my future very high on the list. Do I get euphoria from creating my future? No, but it's an ongoing process and a pleasure I become conscious of twice daily like clockwork, every day. When pleasure happens often, over time it changes your life.

Be Steadfast

Some people look at their faith and beliefs like borrowed umbrellas to be returned to their rightful owners at the first sign of rain. To keep going tough when the going gets tough - as it will - equip yourself with faith and beliefs that truly are yours, and you know will be tested. If you're experiencing hardship right now, my advice would be to just hang in there. Let time do what time does well - to provide you with hindsight and a different perspective. Three, six or twelve months down the road you might be surprised of how much better you are.

Here's a little story I'd like to share. Someone is climbing a mountain. He trips and falls over the side. As he’s falling he’s lucky and he grabs a branch on his way down, holding on for dear life. He looks down – 1500 feet below him is rock bed valley. He looks up – he is about 20 feet from where he fell. He starts to yell for help, “Help! Help! Is there anybody up there? Help!” A big booming voice comes down and says, “Yes, I am here and I will help you if you believe in me.” “I believe! I believe!” “If you believe in me let go of the branch and I will save you.” And the man looks down at the rock bed valley and looks back up and says, “Is there anybody else up there?”

When Would Now Be A Good Time?

If you're not quite ready to be happy today, but have no objection to the idea of maybe being happy tomorrow, I've got news for you. By the time you'll get to tomorrow, it'll be today again. Get over it, be happy today. You get exactly what you are feeling. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances.

Stop Complaining

Not just aloud, but in your self-talk, too. If stopping it altogether is too difficult, begin by reducing it. Happiness research has shown that  less complaining translates into more happiness.

Be Part Of A Community

Be sure to make your friends before you need them. Realize you are not really choosing your friends. You choose your environment and your friends will come from within that environment. Choose your environment wisely.  A wisely chosen environment would be one that promotes and encourages community, holding hands, singing, knowing-someone-would-bring-you-soup-if-you-got-sick and other earthly values.

Give

Giving is its own reward. As long as you don't give with the expectation of being given in return. Giving, like loving, is best when it's unconditional. Give a smile. Hold the door for someone (even if not acknowledged, do it anyway). Give a compliment. Give a flower. Give of your money. Give of your time. The possibilities are endless.

Related Quotes

• “When you keep saying you are busy, you’re not free. When you keep saying you don’t have the time, you’ll never have time. When you keep saying that you must do things, your life becomes a must. When you keep saying that you will be happy tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. ” – Pravsworld
• “In about the same degree as you are helpful, you will be happy.” - Karl Reiland

Dressed for happiness? What is happiness, anyway? Is happiness the absence of unhappy, or is it the pursuit of happiness. Is happiness love, inspirational psycho-babble, spiritual wisdom, a topic for meditation, or a combination of all these things? Beyond the many happiness quotes and sayings, what is happiness really? (Hint: Happiness is ___________ - what you make it).

"I Just Want To Be Happy"

How many times have you heard it said? How many times do you said it yourself ? “I just want to be happy” is the answer commonly given in response to questions about the future. And of course, “happy” is part and parcel of New Year and birthday wishes.

Happiness Becomes You

Happy people feel and perform better. Research shows that you actually see, taste, smell and hear better when you’re happy. Happy people are healthier, too. Happiness is known to possess healing powers, as documented in “Anatomy Of An Illness As Perceived By The Patient”, Norman Cousin’s inspirational book about his battle with a crippling and irreversible disease. It proves what an effective healing tool the happy mind can be.

Happiness?

“Happiness is when you think pleasant thoughts a fair share of the time.” It is the best definition of happiness in my book, not because I have freely adapted it from a namesake of mine, Dr. John A. Schindler, but because it is meaningful, simple and concise.

When asked what would have to happen to be happy, I’ve heard people come up with all kinds of answers. On the complex side, multi-layered criteria that included body fat percentage, marriage bliss, kids’ academic performances, career, the war in _________ (fill blank), the weather, and the outcome of upcoming business transactions. On the simple side, waking up in the morning, realizing you have been given a new day. How do you define "happiness"? How do you answer to the question of, "What would have to happen for you to be happy?" Please share your thoughts, leave a comment!

Happy Versus Happier

Statements of “always happy” or “never happy” are equally ridiculous. What if you witness a sad event, or to a happy event? Unless your emotions are expressed, you’d live in a straight-jacket. As George Bernard Shaw observed, a lifetime of happiness would only make you miserable. And of course, a lifetime of unhappiness is misery.

While permanent happiness is nonsense, wanting to be happier at all times makes perfect sense, and given its many benefits, is strongly recommended. What’s more, it is effortless. Regardless of your level of happiness at this moment, it is easy to think of something that makes you feel good, then do it. Forgive yourself for something you earlier criticized yourself for. Listen to a piece of your favorite music. Call a friend. See yourself through kind eyes. Put a big smile on your face, even if fake, for a full minute. At the toll booth, pay for the car behind you. Think about anyone but yourself for a while. Let a family member know you’re thinking about her or him. The choices are endless.

More For Less, Less For More

These recipes for happiness are fool-proof. The recipe for less happiness is more dependency on the outside world - the weather, the economy, politics, the news, fashion and what other people do and say, etc. The more you hold others and external events responsible for your happiness, the unhappier you will be. By contrast, the recipe for more happiness is less dependency on the outside world - you decide and play by your own happiness rules. Happiness is an inside job.

Happiness Now, Or Never

Happiness exists in the now. It cannot be found elsewhere. If you expect to be happy tomorrow, by the time you’ll get to tomorrow, it’ll be today again. You cannot be happy tomorrow anymore than you can raise your hand tomorrow. Polls consistently show 2 out of every 3 people are unhappy. It is in large part due to the mistaken belief of happy tomorrow. To believe in tomorrow is one thing, to make your happiness dependent on tomorrow would be quite another. Why, there’s not even a guarantee there will be a tomorrow.

Another fallacy that keeps people away from happiness is the Have-Do-Be-thinking. When I shall “have” the perfect wife/husband, then I will “do” loving things, and I’ll “be” very happy (forever).” The thinking is right but the sequence is wrong. The correct formula is, step 1 “be” the person of your dreams, step 2 “do” the things aforementioned person would do, and step 3  accept to “have” whatever comes your way from being step 1 and doing step 2.

Yet another fallacy that keeps people away from happiness is the curious belief happiness must be earned, or is deserved, or is a moral issue, or is selfish. Happiness in none of these thing. Happiness is a decision – your decision, and your decision alone. Hint: you cannot be unhappy enough to help an unhappy person, just as you cannot be miserable enough to help a miserable person, or ill enough to help an ill person, or poor enough to help a poor person.

A Mental Habit

Happiness is a mental habit (as is unhappiness). The word “habit” literally used to mean dress or garment, and in French still does. Put differently, a mental habit is a dress your personality wears. People who believe unhappy is cool are unlikely to dress their personality in happy habits. They’d feel ashamed because they equate being happy to being defective in some way.  But if you are free of resistance and open to life’s possibilities, give the happy habit a try. Dress your personality in happy habits. You risk to upset the unhappy, but you’ll find it well worth.

Happier, Guaranteed

Roughly the first hundred years of psychoanalysis and psychology as we know it today, focused on peoples’ dysfunction or, as I see it, on peoples' unhappiness. But in the last 30 to 50 years the focus has noticeably shifted to the functional, happy part of us humans. This is not the place to do justice to the whole gamut of benefits yielded by the happiness research to date, but I want to share two secret weapons for greater happiness which said research has confirmed.

1.   Stop Complaining – not just aloud, but in your self-talk, too. To stop altogether might be impossible, so begin by reducing it. I found it easiest to proceed by area, and have been able to eliminate it from some, but not from others. (I still complain while in traffic – operating  handheld devices while driving should be illegal).

2.    Develop An Attitude of Gratitude – not just in thought, but in writing. Every day write down 3 things (give or take a few) you’re grateful for. If nothing comes to mind, write down 3 things you could be grateful for. It’s okay, albeit boring, to write down the same 3 things every day. The important thing is development of the habit.

If you do these two simple things for a month, you’ll be happier. Seriously. Plus it's fun. Guaranteed. If not, ask for your money back. Oops, it’s phree. Oh well … let it not stop you from enjoying your happiness!

QUOTES

• If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your  energy, and inspires your hopes. - Andrew Carnegie
• And now I have to confess the unpardonable and the scandalous. I am a happy man. - Jean Cocteau
• Be happy. It’s one way of being wise. - Colette
• To be utterly happy the only thing necessary is to refrain from comparing this moment with other moments. - André Gide
• The wise learn from personal experience. The happy learn from the experiences of others. - Unknown
• The only ones of you who will be truly happy will be so because you have found a way to serve. - Albert Schweitzer
• To live happily is an inward power of the soul. - Aristotle
• How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. - Oscar Wilde
• This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. - George Bernard Shaw
• If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects. – Albert Einstein
• Personally, I experience the greatest degree of pleasure in having contact with works of art. They furnish me happy feelings of an intensity that I cannot derive from other sources. - Albert Einstein
• It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy. – Mother Teresa

Benjamin Zander has two infectious passions: classical music, and helping us all realize our untapped love for it - and by extension, our untapped love for all new possibilities, new experiences, new connections. "My job is to awaken possibility in other people." Give yourself the twenty minutes of this video and you'll find, to your own benefit, he's a master at it.

Related Site:

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/09/04/spreadsheet-of-every.html

Thanks to Chris Brogan over at http://www.chrisbrogan.com/ I stumbled upon a little big video on the topic of sharing. The people at Red Hat don't just share in an everyday kind of way, they've made sharing the cornerstone of their business model. With impressive results, which they happily share with - you guessed it - their shareholders. Indeed, sharing their product (for free) has allowed Red Hat to become a billion dollar company – billion as in a thousand millions - proving again, as if proof were needed, sharing your passion can be profitable business.

Sharing is a good idea any time. For example, share your dreams of an own business or for a career change with a couple of friends and see whether it touches, moves or inspires them. If not, revise. Sharing dreams and passions leads to spending more time with people who share your desire to succeed. Focus on the sharing, leave the marketing at the door, see your business grow. See your happiness grow, too (the state of mind in which your thinking is pleasant a good share of the time). For a stark contrast to sharing, try keeping it to yourself. Travel alone to a wonderful location that offers breathtaking scenery. You're by yourself, so the scenery only takes your breath away. No-one around to share it with. How does it feel? Makes the Red Hat people look even brighter, doesn't it?

Bob Dylan just might be fixin' to return to the recording studio soon again - without his guitar this time. He’s contemplating satellite navigation, in talks with car companies to be the voice of their GPS systems. "I think it would be good if you're looking for directions and you heard my voice saying something like, 'take a left at the next street, no, a right, you know what, just go straight'," he said. "I probably shouldn't do it because whichever way I go, I always end up in one place - on Lonely Avenue."

Beyond its newsworthiness, reports of Dylan doing GPS begs this question: if we were looking for directions and heard your voice, where would it take us? Where is your voice taking you?

PS. If you've ever experienced Dylan in Theme Time Radio Hour - thanks to a friend I'm lucky to have the full recordings - you'd know he'd make a memorable GPS.

The reality principle is among the most important qualities of leadership – whether you’re leading only yourself, a family, a business or a people.

The reality principle states that you must see, accept and face the world as it is, not as you wished it were. Simply stated, you must be completely honest and objective with yourselves.

If you often speak in should-haves or could-haves, the reality principle can be a challenge. How to accept what is, when you see the world mostly through the lens of how it could or should be instead?

Could-haves and should-haves are frequently employed by people opposed to the idea there exists an intelligence greater than us. If it existed, the world would be in better shape, would it not? Put differently, if they were this greater than us intelligence for just one day, the world would better a better place.

Well, while the world could be different, right now it isn't. It's hard to argue with is-ness. If you step off a high building you fall down, not up. We are all part of nature, not above it.

When we align with the reality principle, life and life energies flow smoothly. When we resist the reality principle, regardless of reason, resistance becomes the dominating force.

Success comes in many forms and shapes. The word "success" means different things to different people. Here it's defined as happy, joyful and lasting - you're always either moving towards it, or away from it.

Here are some tell-tale signs that you’re headed in the wrong direction? (Right direction tell-tale signs will be covered in an another post ).

You know you're headed the wrong way when ...

1. You're in denial. Or, as insiders would say, "in the Nile."
2. You're recycling the infantile belief that things come into existence when you open your eyes and go away when you close them.
3. You hear and see selectively, what you want to hear and see.
4. You know the difference between right and wrong, and choose to do wrong anyway (the mark of fools the world over).
5. You believe you can get away with “it,” whatever “it” might be.
6. You can rationalize and explain everything.
7. You feel you’re entitled, that life owes you.
8. You don’t journal.
9. You have a victim mentality.
10. You have an endless supply of couldhaves and shouldhaves.
11. Ashamed of your own actions, you keep secrets. You walk in the shadows.
12. You’re alone. Even among family and friends.
13. You lie. In your self-talk, too. Each time your lips move, others know you just lied.
14. In your own eyes, you’re “the man” (or woman).
15. You don’t know you're moving in the wrong direction, away from happiness, toward despair. You reject the notion that it's happening to you. It's insidious when you’re in the Nile …

Do you know of any other "Wrong Way!" tell-tale signs? Let's hear it.